|
stop the underachievement
[Recent Entries][Archive][Friends][User Info]
Below are the 12 most recent journal entries recorded in the "montreal_thin" journal:
|
12:18 am
[Link] | you know, fuck this.
It suddenly occurred to me earlier that I, lately, keep picking up my things. I mean : I keep putting stuff (hair pins, slippers, that kind of thing), putting stuff away instead of just setting it down wherever I am. So I won't have to look for it next time.
And ok. This is completely opposite to my personality. Ever since EVER, I have been someone who leaves shit lying around. I have many very clear memories of my mom explaining that she "said to PUT THE TOY AWAY, not set it down somewhere in the general vicinity of it's storage space".
So this is the general mood of my fall 2005-winter 2006 seasons : I have no idea what happened to my former personality. Or former life, for that matter. And WHAT the HELL happened to my relationship? It's like we've turned into a married couple without even discussing it. And FUCK THAT.
I don't understand what our dynamic means anymore ; it scares me shitless that I don't know what to expect next. I don't even exactly know what I want ; I think I just want information.
What happened to my life, exactly? I was worried, for so long, because I couldn't support myself ; now I can. I got a job because that was what I was "supposed" to do ; I was "supposed" to get any kind of income I could, so long as I could pay the rent and the bills and the student loan debt repayments.
But it's just starting to occur to me that I don't know where I got that idea. The idea that it was normal to get a university degree and then have a job that has so little to do with it that it wasn't even on my resume. The idea that living as a really poor yuppie was what I wanted. The idea that I wanted to be a working-stiff-slash-housewife? When did that happen?
I went to the Conservatoire for four years. The whole time, I assumed that I would finish my degree and do auditions, and then do more auditions. And then I would get a job in an orchestra. The end.
Then I dropped out of school and I didn't know what would happen.
Then I went back to school, did a bachelor's degree and started, not thinking the the job-in-an-orchestra-thing would automatically happen, but never thinking that it WOULDN'T happen.
But now it can't possibly happen. Without audition-training-through-artist's-diploma-or-master's-degree, people don't get jobs in major orchestras. Sure, I can pass student auditions ; but these days, professional orchestras are asking for the kind of audition repertoire that takes years to learn properly ; the way my life is now, that's never going to happen. And I don't understand how this... loss of possibility... occurred. When did the years of music study become a waste of time? When did they stop being "career building" and become just "culture"?? When? When the fuck when? It's humiliating. And I feel like I've sold my soul to be a wife and secretary. And fuck that.
Now I'm chained to my rent and my debt repayment and every night, I want to cry. And Alex doesn't want to talk about it because he wants to sleep. And I think about that, and I want to cry more. And fuck that.
|
|
11:36 am
[Link] | I want to eat pasta.
I must eat salad.
Blah. BLAH.
|
|
01:38 am
[Link] | omg help
I really need a job. I really, really need a job.
1. my credit card needs 300$ by friday.
2. I've been binging since yesterday (somewhat unrelated, but it's the I-don't-have-income that's making me do it, I'm so sure)
3. I don't know how to get a job that pays decently.
4. I don't know what to do.
5. I'm so poor I don't have a bus card, and the chain on my bike broke last week. I'm profoundly screwed.
|
|
09:05 am
[Link] | oh man, I so suck at this.
I think I've actually gained weight, if that's at all possible. Yerch.
I think it's because I stopped studying all last week. I read one hour yesterday and it made a difference ; I wasn't all binge-eat-y after and I felt relatively comfortable with myself.
Anyway.
Try to be more faithful about writing this shit up this week... Well. "Try" is the operative word. I can do this. God knows that I've put up with a lot worse things than hating myself.
|
|
03:22 pm
[Link] | still haven't eaten any bread
|
|
10:44 pm
[Link] | to-do list (a.k.a. The Plan)
I'm going to cut out bread. And pasta, and rice, and all that. And in this journal, I'll write down the days I was able to keep it up.
Also : extra points when I go to the pool.
and a point for every hour spent studying.
And one last thing : I need more income, and soon. So every day I do something constructive towards augmenting my income, I'll write it down too.
|
|
12:41 am
[Link] | so, thin-journal resolutions
1. I have this huge issue with breakfasts. They're on the bread+butter+sugar side. Something seriously needs to be done about that.
2. updates. Food journal.
3. work. Like, doing some.
4. obsessing about what other people think. Less of that.
5. patience
|
|
05:23 pm
[Link] | The journal is called montreal_thin, because I've always wondered what it would be like to be thin (and mean to find out) but I intend for montreal_thin to be about more than weight. Discipline and work are things I've struggled with for as long as I've wished I was thin, and I see my fat and slobbishness as a side-effect of my underachievement. Insane over-high expectations towards myself? I don't know. I guess I mean to find out.
|
05:23 pm
[Link] | I've been binge-eating pretty seriously for the past few days - I think it has something to do with staying home all the time.
But, there's more to it than that. I don't talk about food or weight, no really, not usually, because my issues relating to those matters are extremely unattractive. I'm insecure, but not it the cute way, and what's more, talking about one's feelings about oneself is just unseemly.
|
05:22 pm
[Link] | also : menstruation. Mmm mm, good.
|
05:22 pm
[Link] | my appartment is out of toilet paper : sexy
|
02:16 pm
[Link] | so here's a new journal.
|
|
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small}
montreal_thin's journal